Raising Model

Guy: Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant, but we’ve always been careful and used protection. How is this possible? Doctor: Let me share a scenario with you: “Once, there was a man who always carried an umbrella wherever he went. One day, he accidentally picked up a walking stick instead of his umbrella and went out. Suddenly, a wild tiger appeared in front of him. To scare the tiger, the man swung the walking stick like an umbrella, and the tiger ran away!” Guy: That’s ridiculous! Somebody else must have scared the tiger. Doctor: Exactly! You got the point. Every situation can have a different perspective. Next patient, please.

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. So they did.  Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment “RENT FOR APARTMENT.” On the way to his office he regretted it and decided it wasn’t worth the price.  So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note: “Dear Madam, Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that: It had never been occupied That there was plenty of heat That it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home. Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat, and it was entirely too large.” Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note: Dear Sir, first of all, I cannot und...

A man walks into a bar, and sees a huge jar sitting on the counter. The jar is stuffed with $10 bills. There has to be at least twenty grand in there. Curious, he approaches the bartender. He asks, “What’s the deal with the jar?” The bartender replies, “You put ten bucks in, and if you complete three challenges, you win the entire jar.” “What are the challenges?” “The money first.” The man’s feeling game, so he fishes a ten-dollar bill out of his pocket and stuffs it into the jar. “Tell me,” he says.”Okay,” the bartender says. “First, you gotta drink a whole bottle of tequila in sixty seconds or less, without pulling a face or puking. “Second, there’s a large and angry pit bull chained up out the back. It has a bad tooth. You have to pull that tooth out with your bare hands. “Third, there’s a 90-year-old lady upstairs who’s never had coition in her life. You have to go up there and nail her. “The man is stunned. “You’d have to be crazy to attempt all of that.” “It’s up to you,” the bar...

A blonde woman called her brunette friend. “I’ve been working on a jigsaw puzzle, but I’m completely lost!” “What’s the puzzle supposed to be?” asks the brunette. “The box says it’s a beautiful landscape,” replies the blonde. When the brunette arrives at the blonde’s place, she examines the scattered puzzle pieces and the box image. After a moment of puzzlement, she turns to the blonde and gently says, “I don’t think these pieces will form anything close to a landscape.” The blonde gets flustered, exclaiming, “Don’t worry! Let’s just take a break. Once we’re calm, we can sort these colorful chips back into their bag of assorted candies!”

Two friends decided to put up a sign on top of their car that read: “Ride Around Town — $50.00.” A police officer noticed the sign and pulled them over, informing them that they couldn’t advertise services like that without a permit. Seeing a car pass by with a sign that read: “Free Hugs,” one of the friends asked, “Officer, why don’t you stop them?” The officer smiled and said, “That’s a friendly gesture, not a service for hire.” Respecting the law, the friends removed their sign and continued driving. The next day, the officer saw the same car with a different sign: “Tour Guides — $50.00.”

A husband comes home early from work and notices the mailman leaving hurriedly from his house. Curious, he investigates the situation. He discovers that the mailman had accidentally left a bag of unsorted mail behind. Instead of getting angry, the husband decides to have a bit of fun. He carefully places some silly, harmless notes inside the envelopes and seals them back up before the mailman returns. Later that day, he chuckles to himself, thinking, “I bet those recipients will get a surprise with these goofy notes from their mail!”

A man goes home and asks his wife, “Honey, what would you do if we suddenly came into a bit of extra money?” She answers, “I’d share it with you, of course.” The man chuckles and pulls out a small amount of cash. “Well, guess what? I just found $10! Here’s $5. Now let’s plan something fun together!”

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window. He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. “Do you know what I am doing?” asks the doctor? “Yes, checking for abnormalities.” she replies. He tells her to take off her shirt and br**, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her chests and asks, “Do you know what I am doing now?”, she replies, “Yes, checking for cancer.” Finally, he tells her to take off her knickers, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts on his all way with her. He says to her, “Do you know what I am doing now?” She replies, “Yes, getting herpies – thats why I am here!”

A husband remarks to his wife one day, “Hey, have you noticed? Your bum is getting quite substantial. It’s almost the size of the BBQ grill!” Later that night in bed, the husband tries to be affectionate with his wife, but she playfully pushes him away. “What’s the matter?” he asks. She responds with a smile, “Are you really expecting me to fire up this huge grill just for a tiny hot dog?”

The teacher asked the class to use the word ‘fascinate’ in a sentence. Molly raised her hand and said, ‘My family visited my granddad’s farm, and we were all fascinated by his pet sheep.’ The teacher nodded and replied, ‘That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinated.’ Sally eagerly raised her hand. ‘Last weekend, my family visited Rock City, and I found it really fascinating.’ The teacher smiled and responded, ‘Excellent, Sally! However, I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate.’ Little Johnny, known for his mischievous wit, raised his hand. Despite the teacher’s hesitation, she decided to give him a chance. Johnny said, ‘My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but she’s so fascinating that she only needs to fasten eight!’ The teacher chuckled, realizing Johnny had cleverly used the word ‘fascinate’ in his sentence, and the class burst into laughter.

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: ‘I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.’ She answers, ‘My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing’ ‘Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to make love with a nun.’ She responds,‘Well, let’s see what we can do about that: You have to be single You must be Catholic. I have to save my purity, so you will have to enter from behind. The cab driver is very excited and says,‘Yes, I’m single, Catholic, and I’m happy to enter from behind!’ ‘OK’ the nun says ‘Pull into the next alley.’ The nun fulfills his fantasy, in a very exploded way. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. ‘My dear child,’ says the nun, ‘why are you crying?’ ‘Forgive me but I’ve sinne...

The Dad explains why condoms come in packs of 3, 6 and 12 A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?” To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.” “Oh, I see,” replied the boy pensively, “I’ve heard of that in health class at school.” He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?” The dad replies, “Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.” “Cool.” says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then, who are these for?” “Those are for college men,” the dad answers. “Two for Friday, Two for Saturday, and Two for Sunday.” “WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “Then, who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men,…” With a tear in his eye, he continued,… “One for January, one for February, one for...

A newly married couple are in bed, when the man asks his wife how many men she has slept with After the question, the woman doesn’t respond. The man asks again “Just tell me, it’s fine. How many men have you slept with?” His wife, still in total silence, just stares at the ceiling. The man says “I am sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I just thought we could trust each other…” Still silence from his wife. The man, giving up, says “It’s OK. Please don’t be upset.” Since the woman is still silent, the man starts hugging and kissing her, showing his affection. While he is doing this, his wife seems to come to her senses, stops looking at the ceiling, looks at him, and upset, tells her husband, “Damn it! You made me lose count!”

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kll us. Be strong, honey. I love you.” To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!”

Dolly wanted a new living room set but her husband kept saying. “No.” Every day she would ask him to please let her have the set. Every day he would say. “No.” One day he decided to end this discussion once and for all. When Dolly asked, he looked at her and said. “You can have that living room set you have been wanting, but only on one condition.” Dolly was so excited! “Anything you want, honey!” “Well.” He began. “When you grow hair on your chest, I’ll buy you that living room.” “Grow hair on my chest?” Dolly was devastated. “How am I going to do that?” Her husband just smiled and went off to work. Arriving home that night, he found Dolly waiting for him. Her eyes sparkled and the smile she wore was almost as big as the day they wed. “Honey.” She trilled. “I ordered my living room set this afternoon!” “You did?” Her husband stammered. “You have hair on your chest now? I mean real hair, not a toupee, or some animal hair pasted on!” “I sure do!” She replied. “No way! Let me see it.” Re...

The wife bought a new see through nighty, wore it without any underclothes and came swinging before the husband. Aroused Husband says, “You look so beautiful and sexy my darling.” The wife says, “I know that, I tried it the same way at the store and the salesman was the first one to tell me that.”

The husband and his young wife did not have a good relationship. The wife was even convinced that he was having an affair with the pretty housemaid and set a trap for him. One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend without informing the husband. When they went to bed that night, the husband told the old story, “Excuse me, my dear… Stomach”, and disappeared towards the bathroom. The wife immediately ran down the corridor, up the back stairs and into the maid’s bed. She had just time to switch off the light when he quietly entered……….. He wasted neither time nor words, but quickly took out his gun, laid on top of her and beat her like there was no tomorrow. When he had finished, still panting, the woman said, “You didn’t expect to find me in this bed, did you?” and switched on the light. “No, madam,” said the gardener.

There once was an old Jewish man who lived in New York. His business was distributing soft goods. Unfortunately, his next door neighbor was a red-necked, irascible anti-semite. “Hey, Jew Boy, I need a piece of orange yarn to reach from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and I want it delivered right away.” he phoned.” Of course, right away!” was the reply. The next day, hearing a noise outside his window, he looked out on his yard to see a large truck dumping a huge load of orange yarn on the grass. There was another truck waiting his turn. Down the street, he could see another truck turning the corner and coming along. “What the hell is going on?” he phoned his neighbor. “Well, as your know, we record all telephone orders to be sure that we don’t make a mistake”, he said. “I may be a few yards over or under but I gave you a 2% quantity discount to make up for it. The last time I saw it, the tip of my penis was in poland!!!!”

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, “Dark in here.” The man says , “Yes, it is.” Boy – “I have a baseball.” Man – “That’s nice.” Boy – “Want to buy it?” Man – “No , thanks.” Boy – “My dad’s outside.” Man – “OK , how much?” Boy – “$150” Man – “Sold.” In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy – “Dark in here.” Man – “Yes, it is.” Boy – “I have a Wilson infielder’s glove.” The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?” Boy – “$350” Man – “Highway robbery. Sold.” A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your gloves, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.” The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my ball and my glove.” The father asks, “Ho...

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, “Hmmm…. That’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills.” The boy quickly replied, “That’s right, lady. The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward.”

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they ma_de love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, rom_antic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down…. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleas_ure device… a vibr_ator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. ‘You impotent bas_tard,’ She screamed at him, ‘How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!’ The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: ‘I’ll explain the toy, you explain the kids.’

She decided she would just end her life herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl’s old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor’s office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, “Your heart would be just by your left breast.” Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

At a jewellery store, an old man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. “Don’t you want her name engraved upon it?” asked the jeweller. The Old man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic steadfastly replied, “No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again.”

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. “Quick,” said the woman to her lover, “into the closet!”, and she pushed him into the closet stark undressed. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. “Who are you?” he asked him. “I’m an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,” said the exterminator. What are you doing in there?” the husband asked. I’m investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,” the man replied. “And where are your clothes?” asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said, “Those little bastards!”

A handsome man in a suit approaches a young lady at a bar and asks if he can buy her a drink. “Don’t you have a girlfriend?” she asked. “Guys like you always have girlfriends.” He looked downcast, “No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago.” “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that,” she said, “OK then, I’ll have a white wine please.” One glass of wine led to a second. A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle they headed off back to her place and made passionate love. While he was putting his clothes back on she said, “So, you’re good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed. Can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?” He said, “My wife found out.”

A young lady is working at an old people’s home when she walks into an old gentleman’s room. He’s holding a set of photographs and looks upset. “What’s the matter?” She asks “I’ve got no-one to pass these onto to when I go”. Says the old man, looking at his photos “Let me show you” and he presents her with a photo of an old car, “this is my vintage E type Jaguar. It’s priceless and in pristine condition” “I’ll… I’ll let you have it if you just give me a quick flash of those lovely melons.” Interested in the prospect of inheriting the old man’s car and feeling a bit sorry for the old geezer, she agrees and proceeds to undress for him. Looking visibly happier, he pulls out another photo, “This is my house in Devon. It’s an 8 bedroom mansion with a swimming pool and 25 acres of land.” “You can have it, only, I’d love to see those melons bouncing. She thinks about this for a few seconds, then agrees and proceeds to jump up and down topless in front of the old man. Now vibrant, the old man ...

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation. “What’s the matter?” he was asked. He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.’” “She was just trying to comfort you, what’s so frightening about that?” “She wasn’t talking to me. She was talking to the doctor.”

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter’s bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter without clothes on the bed with a vibrator. “What are you doing?” She exclaimed. The daughter replied, “I’m 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I’ll ever get to a husband.” Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter without clothes on a sofa with her vibrator. “What are you doing?” He exclaimed. The daughter replied, “I’m 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I’ll ever get to a husband.” A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time coming from the den. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. “What are you doing?” She asked. He replied, “Watching the game with my son-in-law.

Three College girls visit the doctor for an examination. Doctor: “Take off your blouse and bra.” So the girl complies and there is imprint of a T on her chest. Doctor says: “What caused this?” Girl: “Well my boyfriend goes to Texas University and likes to wear his letter jacket when we make love.” Doctor: “Ok, you’re finished, send in the next girl.” The next girl comes in and the doctor says the same, “Take off your blouse and bra”. Sure enough there is an imprint of a U on her chest. Doctor says “What caused this?” Girl: “Well, my boyfriend goes to the University of Utah and likes to wear his letter jacket when we make love.” Doctor: “Sounds about right, okay you’re done send in the next girl” The Girl comes in and removes her blouse and bra.  This time there is an imprint of a M on her chest. Doctor says: “Let me guess, your boyfriend goes to the University of Michigan right?” Girl: “No doctor, but I have a girlfriend that goes to the University of Wisconsin.”

An American, Brit, and an Aussie are about to get executed in Russia. The executioner approaches the American prisoner and says, “How would you like to die? By firing squad, hung by the neck, or on the electric Chair?” “I’ll take the chair” the American says. So he gets strapped into the electric chair. When they flip the switch, nothing happens! In Mother Russia, such an act of divine intervention means you get released. As the American prisoner is being led away he passes the Brit, who’s getting pulled up next, he whispers to him, “The electric chair isn’t working!” The executioner approaches the British man and says, “How would you like to die? By firing squad, hung by the neck, or on the electric Chair?” “I’ll take the chair.” the Brit says. So he gets strapped into the electric chair. When they flip the switch, nothing happens! And he also gets released. As the British prisoner passes the Aussie who’s getting pulled up next, he also whispers, “The electric chair isn’t working!” Th...

A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the First house of the street. A tall lady answered the door. Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet. “Madam, if I could not clean this up within 5 minutes with the use of this new powerful Vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this dung!” exclaimed the eager salesman. “Do you need chilly sauce or ketchup with that” asked the lady. The bewildered salesman asked, “Why, madam?” “There’s no electricity in the house…” said the lady.

The old man sat in his gas station on a cold Christmas Eve. He hadn’t been anywhere in years since his wife had passed away. It was just another day to him. He didn’t hate Christmas, just couldn’t find a reason to celebrate. He was sitting there looking at the snow that had been falling for the last hour when the door opened and a homeless man stepped through. Instead of throwing the man out, Old George as he was known by his customers, told the man to come and sit by the heater and warm up. George handed the stranger a Thermos bottle filled with hot stew. Just at that moment he heard the “ding” of the driveway bell. “Excuse me, be right back,” George said. There in the driveway was an old ’53 Chevy. Steam was rolling out of the front. “Mister can you help me!” said the driver, with a deep Spanish accent. “My wife is with child and my car is broken.” George opened the hood. It was bad. The block looked cracked from the cold, the car was dead. ‘You ain’t going in this thing,’ George sai...

A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in. After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, “Oh well,I better get home. My wife doesn’t like me to stay out during late night.” The first guy replies, “I’ll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning.” The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home to give it a try. When he got home, the house was pitch black. He sneaks upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for 20 minutes. The bed was like a swamp so he decided to wash his face. As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet. Seeing her he screamed, “What the hell are you doing in here?!” “Quiet!”, she exclaimed. “You’ll wake my mother.”

A Woman goes to a Psychiatrist and complains: “I don’t want to marry. I am educated, independent, and self-sufficient. I don’t need a husband. But my parents are asking me to marry. What do I do? ”The psychiatrist replied: “YOU, undoubtedly will achieve great things in life. But somethings inevitably will not go the way you want. Somethings will go wrong. Sometimes you will fail. Sometimes your plans won’t work. Sometimes your wishes will not be fulfilled. Then who will you blame? Will you blame Yourself? ”Woman: “NO!!!”Psychiatrist: “Yes…That’s why you need a Husband!”

A husband and wife decided they needed to use a code to indicate that they wanted to have sex, without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word “typewriter.” One day the husband told his five year old daughter, “Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter.” The child told her mom what her dad said, and her mother responded, “Tell your daddy that he can’t type a letter right now, because there’s a red ribbon in the typewriter.” The child went back to tell her father what mommy had said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, “Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.” The child told her father, and then returned to her mother, and announced, “Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.”

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, “Do you know me?” To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.” Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My God, are you thestripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?” She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird but there are no laws preventing weird people from buying condoms. Who knows, maybe it’s a good thing. The next day, the same man comes back to the store, purchases yet another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What could be so funny about buying a condom, anyway? So he tells his clerk, “If that guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes.” Sure enough, the next day the same man is back. He buys the condom, and again starts cracking up with laughter, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy. About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. “Did you follow him? Where did he go?” asks the pharmacist. The clerk replies, “Your house.”

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily. So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game. The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun. “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00,” he says. This catches the senior’s attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the Earth to the Moon?” The senior doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it’s the senior’s turn. He asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?” The lawyer uses his ...

Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything, including their hot secretary. One day the secretary announced she was pr*gn*nt. They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter. The day of delivery arrived. Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room. Finally one of them said, “I can’t take this, I’m going down to sit in my car and wait there. Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!” The partner agreed to do that. About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face. “What happened?” asked the waiting car occupant. The other partner announced, “They were twins and both are same like you!”

A mother hears a humming sound from her daughter’s bedroom and walks in. Finding her daughter sitting on the bed using her personal toy she asked, “What are you doing?!” “I’m a 35 year old woman living with my parents. This is the closest I’ll ever get to a husband, ” replies the daughter. The mother silently leaves the room. The next day, the father hears a humming sound in the living and sees the daughter in same way. “What are you doing??“ he asks her. She gives him the same reply and the father leaves her to it. Later in the evening, the mother hears the noise again and goes to see where its coming from. Her husband is sitting alongside the enjoy toy. She asks him what he’s doing. He replies, “What does it look like? I’m watching the game with my son in law.”

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. “Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00. ” This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon? ” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. “Okay” says the lawyer, “your turn. ” She asks the lawyer, “What...

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says: “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.” Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers: “Jeez doc, exactly what’s my problem?” The Doctor replied, “You’re not drinking enough water.”

An elderly woman wants half a head of lettuce at a grocery store, so she tells the young man at the checkout, “I would like to buy half a head of lettuce.” The young man says, “I’m sorry we only sell whole heads of lettuce.” The old woman says, “Well you see I’m old, and I don’t eat very much, and so when I buy a whole head of lettuce, the other half usually goes to waste. Would you ask your supervisor if there is something he could do?” The young man, rolls his eyes, lets out a sigh, and walks into his supervisors office. “Hey, some dumb old hag wants to buy half a head of lettuce…” His supervisor looks up from his desk and is shocked to see the elderly woman had followed the young man. She’s right behind him at the door and heard what he said. The young man turns around, sees her, realizing his mistake blurts out, “But this beautiful young lady would like to buy the other half of that head of lettuce, so it works out, right?” Everything is worked out, the elderly woman leaves happily...

A confused father goes to buy a Barbie Doll for his daughters birthday. The salesperson answers, ‘Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95. Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95. Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95′. The amazed father asks: ‘It’s what? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?’ Annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: ‘Sir…, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken’s Truck, Ken’s House, Ken’s Fishing Boat, Ken’s Furniture, Ken’s Dog, Ken’s Computer, one of Ken’s Friends, and a key chain made from Ken’s testicles.’

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her b**ttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret after all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man’s new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his baby face! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?” My darling,” she replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I se...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, “Do you know him?” “Yes”, she sighed. “He’s my old boyfriend.” I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since. “My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3 o’clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed. Who was that?” asked his wife. “Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” “Did you help him?” she asks. “No, I did not, it is 3 o’clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!” Well, you have a short memory. Can’t you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? “I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!” The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. “Hello, are you still there?” “Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband. “Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark. “Where are you?” asks the husband. “Over here on the swing!” replies the drunk.

A boss says to his secretary we are travelling abroad for the week so make arrangements. The secretary makes call to her husband, “My boss and i will be travelling abroad for some reasons”. The secretary husband makes call to her secret lover my wife is travelling for the weekend so come to my house so that we can be together. The secret lover makes call to the child she’s teaching lesson. “I will not be at home this week so don’t come for lesson” . The child makes call to his grandpa. “Grandpa, my lesson teacher is not around so i’ll use the weekend with you.” Then grandpa makes call to his secretary my grandson is coming to use his weekend with me so we are not travelling again. The secretary makes call to her husband my boss said his grandson is coming to use weekend with him, so our trip is cancelled. The husband makes a call to secret lover, “We cannot spend the week together, my wife has cancelled her trip.” The secret lover makes a call to little boy, “We will still have classes...

One day there was a woman who lost her cat named “LOVE.” It was pretty dark outside and she lived in New York. So, thinking that he might be down the street, she put on her house coat and went looking for him. When a police officer stopped to ask what she was doing, They arrested her on the spot. As she said very honestly, “She was looking for LOVE.”

A farmer goes to the bank to ask for a loan. When the loan officer denies him credit the farmer’s dog bites the officer. Then she turns around and bites one of the customers. The loan officer asks the farmer: I understand why your dog bit me. But why did she bite the customer. I don’t know…probably to get the bad taste out of her mouth.